Twitter: https://twitter.com/thekitze
Web: https://kitze.io
React Academy: https://reactacademy.io

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Buy me a coffee: https://www.buymeacoffee.com/kitze

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Lyrics

I’m sick of the DOM
Sick and tired of being told to keep calm
“Just optimize performance and code splitting” and all the shit so I can move on

Sick of you the bundle shamers
The repo maintainers
The twitter thought-leaders and all the mansplainers
You would never bet your ass you end up in a fucking song

I’m sick of the jquerys angulars reacts vues embers and github fights for stars
All I want is to write an app without giving a crap about templates, JSX, or handlebars

*nom nom nom nom*
That’s the sound of Google Chrome, it’s eating my RAM
You would think native apps are better?
They’re made with Electron and that shit is twice as fat

Your PWAs will compare to native apps
When I finally remember the flexbox syntax or forget how to rap
I’m tired of all your crap
Lighthouse, performance audits, SEO, AMP and all that shit
I need Bootstrap and normalize to have sensible defaults, I’m getting sick

So do I need a PhD in Webpack to make an app that’s not sluggish?
Do I need Sean Larkinn and the guy from Parcel to work with me so it’s not rubbish?
Why do we call it “hello world” when it feels like “oh world goodbye”?
Everytime npm is down I die a little bit inside
I just want to hide in a dark room and cry because I’m tired of this cycle
You need to use a polyfill everytime something is undefined
Your stupid API will never be final

And just don’t get me started with the styling, alright?

If one more person tells me to “just sit down and learn some real CSS”
I’m gonna punch them in the face and send a styled-components manual to their home address
There’s a reason css-in-js exists bro, have you seen the cascade?
It’s fucking messy it took them 10 years for variables to take place
It will take us 10 more until we figure out how to load fonts
By the time we have a normal way of writing apps Elon Musk will be on Mars

And I didn’t want to go there, but fuck it...

You say web components are the future
I think that’s not how you spell torture
If they were any good and that was the truth
You would see somebody actually using them wouldn’t ya

“Hey don’t forget about Polymer”
Sorry totally forgot about it
Like the rest of the dev community
I would rather use Microsoft Frontpage or even Unity

Have you ever sat down to explore the tools game developers enjoy?
Compare it to my code editor and terminal that shit looks like a fucking toy
Indie game devs looking like working up in a frickin NASA station
It takes me 3 books and Framer X to make a performant animation

Ha, and what does the platform do to help? Let’s see.

You put shit ton of tabs in the developer tools
But nobody cares about them
I get panic attacks looking at the flame graphs
end up using alerts to debug my apps - ugh
Doesn’t that hurt?
It’s kind of like a what a waste of effort
“But you can just step through the breakpoints”
Damn, I would rather step on a LEGO

My code needs to go through a minifier, sourcemap, compiler, and Babel
Is it Babel? Or is it Bay-bel?
I don’t give a crap at least one tool is stable…

So yeah, let’s finish this

I won’t be happy until the platform is gone
Until we burn it up and start from the ground
We need to fight for this until the last round
Without it there’s friction there’s no moving on

We’ll never move on with the baggage on our backs
We need to make a movement and start it all from scratch
I’m tired of this sandbox and feeling so trapped I’m actually tired of this fucking track

So I’m done

Boom, I’m out

jQuery productions 2018….

No … no .. no I’m not out ... let’s plug in one more thing

How can we fix the platform?

Let’s see


What you need to have now is a workshop from me on https://reactacademy.io
From the feedback I read that my workshops and lectures and talks and everything is fire

So until the day I retire
I will have this stupid desire
To make silly things for the internet
Until one of my apps gets acquired

Come on, you know I’m kidding platform, you know I love you.
Actually I don’t know.
I tolerate you at most but... fuck it.